i'm happy, the hedgehog; i'm really really happy!

You know, I have a novel. Yep, that's right. I'm writing a novel. Well, I started writing one. It was actually about a year ago that I started. It was for English class. We had to write a short story, and my teacher let me write a chapter in a novel instead. I had been wanting to write one anyway. That gave me a great chance to start. So yeah, I was thinking, maybe I should start on chapter two...

My arm is messed up, in case you hadn't heard. Some kind of nerve damage or something. It sounds serious, but I should be fine in a few weeks. It's really not that bad. I just have trouble moving it certain ways. So, instead of having one arm that just doesn't work, I look really awkward sometimes while trying to use my right arm or hand. It's really annoying and frustrating, actually, because this is the second injury I've had during this candidacy. Oh well. I'm not letting it stop me, and I think that's what they're looking for. I don't need to do push ups to earn those things. I guess I do need to high port, though.

I hope this support letter thing works out. I really think it will, actually. I'm pretty excited about it. I got the letter done, and Mr Seale, who I'm pretty sure had sent out and/or received plenty of similar letters before, said that it was really good. He made a couple corrections, and now I have a finished draft, and a list of people to send it to. I haven't counted, but I'm pretty sure I have close to a hundred names and addresses. Hopefully, that'll bring in some support, and I can work at camp all summer. I figure that even a 2% return on it will bring in over $200. That's not too bad. Hopefully, we'll have a better return rate, though. One can only pray and do, huh?

So today, today was an interesting day. With my hurt arm, it was really hard to get into uniform. We're supposed to get dressed in two minutes or less, but it took us, according to the upperclassmen, around six. Then, I had to do a special job, which required getting food insanely fast, and helping set it and stuff. Yeah, some of the stuff I messed up wasn't because of my arm, but the reason I could hardly eat anything correctly was because of how difficult it was, and still is, to bring my right hand up to my face. It makes saluting pretty interesting, too. Anyway, after chow, during which a sophomore told me "you haven't done a single thing right all morning," I was pretty upset, and my arm wasn't any better. I had trouble staying awake in physics, but we had no lab or quiz, just a test review. I got to hang out with Smith in the library coffee shop, too. That's starting to become a Monday tradition. It's pretty nice. Good stress relief. I got a muffin. Then I took a little nap (shh!), and, on my way to band, I saw a military officer. You're supposed to salute them when you're both in uniform, so I did. I thought it was the first time I had done it right, until he stopped me and said that you say "Good morning/evening/etc, sir/ma'am" as well, while saluting. He was really nice about it, though, asking me how my day had been, and telling me I could get through gc, because he had done it, too, when I told him it had been a rough morning because of it. Then he said "carry on!" in the same way you say "Have a nice day!" It really helped. After that, the day kind of fluctuated. Mr Sikes cheered me up just by saying "Hey, Brandon!" like always. He's so nice. Training time wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I did different pt from my buddies when I had to, but I still tried just as hard, and I think they noticed. I don't know. Our class got rewarded by being allowed to skip formation and go eat wherever we wanted to. Everyone left without me, but I met up with them at McDonald's. Sure, it wasn't the best for my health, but it was a nice change of pace. The rest of the day went pretty well. I got a text from Brian in the morning that made me laugh, too. And every time I look at the background on my phone, I crack up. Elisabeth finally got me back, and it was good. Oh wow, I wrote a lot. And I took a long time. I do this all the time! And at the worst times, too! We're probably getting a mock GM tomorrow. Oh well. I hope we get free flow, at least. I should probably go, so I can square away. My old lady values sleep more than GM scores. He's not the one who'll be doing class sets for cuts in our room, though. That's frustrating. Oh well. Tomorrow is a pretty easy day. I don't have formation or training time, and I get to wear ACU's for half of the day. I just hope leadlab doesn't consist of something that we need both arms for. Oh, and I need to get my 104-R turned in...

You know, I think I learned something from today. I was all depressed, almost all day, because I had messed up in the morning, and I thought that we were getting smoked for it this afternoon. All through the day, lots of good things happened, but I was so depressed that it took until this evening for me to cheer up. And for training time, we did get smoked, a lot, but only a little of it was for me. In fact, I think we did one, maybe two, class sets for stuff that was because of me alone. Everything else was either all of us, or one of my other gc buddies. I had almost refused to be cheered up, because I was brought down so much by bad things. Yeah, things made me smile, but, overall, I was pretty down. The stuff I was sad about just turned out to be in my head anyway. Really, the only thing wrong about today was my attitude. I had the attitude of "I'm sad, and I'm gonna stay sad." I have no idea why people want to stay sad when they are, but I'm pretty sure we all do it. It's like we think being sad will make us happy. I don't know. From now on, I'm gonna try to be willing to be cheered up. Nothing is worth staying sad about. That's saying that grieving is different from being sad in general. I hope to be happy most of the time. I like being happy, don't you?

hey

i got a new background. you'd better like it, Jaclyn. everyone else, i hope you either didn't like the old one, or like this one better. if you don't really care at all either way, that's actually the best option. i saw sherlock holmes tonight. it was cool. goodnight.

Inspiration (things I wrote on the Spring Break Trip)

Sunday

So it’s Sunday the 14th, the second day of our Spring Break trip, and I figured I would write some “inspiration,” as one of the other guys put it. This is my first ski trip to be an adult. I went to Florida last year, when I was 18. During that awkward age range of 18 to 21, you’re not a scout anymore, but you aren’t really an adult, either. We call us “tweeners.” We have to follow all of the adult rules now, but we can’t do things like drive other scouts around, and we’re still kinda treated like youth. Ok, this is really boring to talk about. But I don’t really have anything interesting to say. The first two days of the trip are really long and boring, unless you’re really good at keeping yourself entertained, in which case they’re really long and only slightly boring. We went to Pizza Hut last night for dinner, though, and that was pretty cool. I stayed up pretty late, so I’ve been sleeping almost the whole way until now.

It’s beautiful out here, if you know how to appreciate it. That sounds weird, but I think you would understand if you saw it, or if you’ve ever been to New Mexico. You look out the window, and you see a fence just past the road, and then there’s just a huge open area beyond that, usually with slightly rolling hills. (Occasionally, you may even see some roll into each other ;) ) There are little bushes and short trees every now and then, sometimes there are a lot. You might even see some cows. In the distance are mesas, and sometimes mountains. They’re the kind that seem like they’re everywhere except within 50 miles of you. Even the ones that look like they’re dead ahead somehow manage to move before you get closer. The sky is a perfect blue, dark straight above, and lighter the closer you get to the horizon, with all kinds of clouds. The beauty in all of this is in the different colored grass and dirt that paint the plains, the high cliffs and flat tops of the mesas, the blue mountains, so distant you can barely see the tops, the glorious palette of clouds, and even in the lone windmill, etched against the perfect blue sky. We’re even starting to come across patches of snow, adding another element to the gallery of nature’s artwork. When you’re in a place like this, it’s not hard to see how all of Creation points to God. Nature has its own way of praising Him. You know, maybe God has a hobby. Maybe He’s an artist, and the earth and sky are His canvas. He’s painted us a masterpiece, wherever we look. But then again, maybe it’s not just for us. Maybe God just enjoys creating beautiful things. I mean, it’s not a hobby if you don’t enjoy doing for yourself as well. I like to think that God just enjoys having a beautiful creation.

(2^nd entry, in notebook cuz the computer had died)

I finally saw Fireproof, yesterday in the van. It’s pretty awesome. If I had to describe the movie in one work, it would be “powerful.” It’s very moving. It seemed like, once a sentimental moment was over, there was another, equally moving one! If you haven’t seen it, I not only highly recommend it, I will get a copy and either take it to your house or invite you over to mine to see it! It seems like it’s a movie about marriage, and it is, but it’s also so much more. It’s about faith, hope, love, God’s grace, becoming a Christian, pushing through trials, pride, lust, anger, frustration, and hot sauce and tomato juice. It’s got sad moments, scary moments, unbelievable moments, and hopeless, joyful, frustrating, hilarious, and inspiring ones. It’s got great characters, great quotes, and the best life lessons you can learn. It is unquestionably on my list of favorite movies, and one I would watch again if given the chance.

Now there’s probably a lot I left out about Fireproof, but I didn’t intend for this to be a movie review. I had the urge to write a note to someone in particular a few minutes ago, and I think it may have stemmed from seeing Fireproof. Well, actually, I first wanted to text this person, but I realized I couldn’t, because I don’t know her yet, so I figured I’d write a note. Figured it out yet? I suddenly had wished that I had someone to whom I could just say “Thinking of you, and I love,” but, alas (I always wanted to say that), I have no such person. It is not my time yet. However, I know you’re out there, whoever you are, and, though you may never actually read this, I just want you to know that I am thinking of you, and I love you, or I guess I will when I meet you. I think you’re beautiful, especially when you smile, and I love holding your hand. The time we will spend together will be the best of my life. I’m so thankful for you, and especially for the fact that God has already picked you out for me, and me for you. I want you to know that I will treasure you always, for as long as I live. I would say that I can’t wait to meet you and be with you, but actually, I can, because you are worth the wait.

[In case you’re wondering, the reason I wrote about nothing in particular at first, then later about something that I had done the day before, it’s because I didn’t originally intend to write about the movie. I was just going to mention it, and then move on. I got caught up with writing about it, though, because it’s just so good!]

Thursday (Monday through Thursday was spent in Durango, Colorado, on the Durango Silverton train, and skiing. We stayed in a National Guard Armory, and I didn’t use my laptop any. This was also written in my math notebook, the same one I write all my math note blogs in. It’s the only entry from those few days because we were always so tired when we finally got back to the Armory.)

It’s our last night in the Armory, so I figured I’d write a little real quick. It’s hard to believe that three days of skiing are already over, and we’re getting ready to head back. I had a ton of fun. My ankle really didn’t affect me much at all. In fact, with the help of an Ace wrap, I ran two miles at the Rec earlier. Going down Pandemonium kind of messed with it a little, though. I’m pretty mad that the video cut off halfway through, too. I videotaped my run, and I think that’s why I fell twice. It was really fun, though. It’s ok, cuz we’re going to get a helmet cam next year, and I’ll take it down some slopes as fast as I can go. But for now, enjoy the video of me falling twice. Oh, and the epic fail Sparta snowman one. More later.

Friday

It’s the last night of the trip. Skiing is over, and the only eventful thing left is DQ for dinner tomorrow. We’re in Roswell, New Mexico, tonight. We went to Cline’s Corners today. It’s this really big and elaborate gift shop place in New Mexico. I got this funny postcard. I also solved a Rubik’s Cube! I had instructions, but it still took some innovation on my part. We stopped at the UFO museum this afternoon. It hasn’t changed much, but I still thought it was pretty interesting, for the 30 minutes we got to spend in it. They didn’t have any cool bumper stickers in the gift shop, though. We went to Ci Ci’s after that. I haven’t been there in a while. It was nice. So was the Dr Pepper. After that, we went bowling. I started out with two strikes in a row…and then my normal game kicked in, and I started getting twos and threes. I picked it up near the end, though, and had 60 points on the fourth frame of our third game when we ran out of time. That’s pretty good, for me. I usually don’t break a hundred. So now, we’re in the VFW hall, where we stay every year. They have a DJ going in the bar next door until two in the morning. It’s going to be a long night… Anyways, enough with the boring stuff; here comes the inspiration.

I start to think that it’s been a really good trip so far, but then I realize that it’s almost over. That makes me sad. It also makes me think, though. You know, if you’re always looking forward to something big, you’ll miss everything that comes before it. I think I’ve already said this before. The thing is, I had been looking forward to Spring Break for a long time. I don’t know exactly how long, but it felt like a really long time. I can’t get on the internet. This makes me sad, because I can’t work on my support letter without getting on my email with the computer. Anyway, I had been looking forward to this trip for a long time, but it still seems like it’s passed by too fast. It feels the same as things do when I’m looking forward to something else. I guess I’m subconsciously looking forward to something bigger. Summer, maybe? I’m definitely looking forward to summer, much more than Spring Break, but it’s farther away, so I’ve put it off as a goal for right now. What I’m looking forward to, in order of appearance, is Spring Break, then Abby’s birthday, if I get to go, then Deborah’s graduation, again if I can go, then Parents’ Weekend, then March to the Brazos, Dead Week, and Final Review. Then it’s summer, and I’ve made it. Whether I get to work at camp all summer or not (something I’m very hopeful for), I have three months off. No classes, except for maybe one or two online, time to work on my Scout, no Corps, CAMP!!, and I get to grow my hair out! Don’t worry, I won’t let it look like it did before, but it will definitely look more like a normal person’s hair. OK, I’m sorry. I said I would write some inspiration, but, unless you’re just trying to make it to the summer, it’s probably not very inspiring to you. Maybe this is. We’re about to do what our Scoutmaster calls “Thorns and Roses.” It’s this cool group thing where you sit in a big circle, and everyone names a thorn, a rose, and a bud from the trip. A thorn is something you didn’t like about the trip, that you hope to change next time, a rose is something you liked, that you hope to keep the same, and a bud is something that you wish would have happened, and hope to make happen next time. It’s really cool, because you get to see what everyone liked and didn’t like about the trip, and you get to share how you felt. For me, I think that a thorn was definitely my hurt ankle, which really wasn’t that bad at all, how quickly the trip seemed to go by, and not getting to take my dad up to the top of the mountain yesterday (we ran out of time). My roses were skiing, especially filming the black, and joking around with Dustin and Roy, two really funny guys on the trip. A bud would probably be…I don’t know. Maybe not spraining my ankle next year…

hurry up and wait, we don't have all day

Encouraging Word

Friday 3/12/2010

This is the message we heard from Jesus and now declare to you: God is light, and there is no darkness in him at all.

~ 1 John 1:5, NLT

You know you're up late for no real reason when you check your email for the millionth time, and you get that message. KLove sends those emails at about 2:30 every morning. I'm on a free night out, where I can go anywhere, do anything, whatever I want, until first call the next day. Only thing is, we have a bag in tomorrow, so there is no first call :D My first class is band at 11:30. We don't have to wear a uniform to that class. I basically get to be a non-reg tomorrow. I'm so happy and excited. I've finally made it. Spring Break. This week has been incredibly long, definitely one of the longest since I've been here. Emotionally, it's been almost as tough as FOW. Maybe it's been even worse, but I'm just stronger.... maybe... (A Nike ad just won my attention. It's probably the smartest ad I've ever seen. It was on my Pandora Radio tab. It said "It's 2:44 AM... You're sitting at your computer listening to music... Why not take that music running?" It was exactly 2:44 AM, I was sitting at my computer, listening to music, and I have no desire to run right now. But hey, 2 out of 3 is pretty good, especially when one is telling me exactly where I am and what I'm doing...) Well, however tough it was mentally, it was just as tough physically. This gc stuff is tough, and I haven't even done all that much. I did gimp pt with a sophomore on Wednesday morning, instead of going on the outfit run, and I went to half an hour of training time today, before leaving for class, but that's all the pt I've done, except for the air out last Friday, when I sprained my ankle. But still, in those two pt sessions, I did a lot. Probably close to 3 class sets of push ups on Wednesday (a class set is 113), one today, a class set of sit ups, holding a bar (don't know how much it weighed, but it wasn't real light) straight out in front of me, class set of flutter kicks, mountain climbers (ugh!), and a bunch of random pt while waiting for my buddies to run down the quad and back. And some pull ups. I'm so bad at those. Oh well. It's all over now. I'm almost done with the first Dr Pepper I've had in more than a month, probably two. I used to have no more than one coke a week, as reward for whatever I thought I had accomplished that week, but I've cut back since starting school to where I rarely drink any. Saw Alice in Wonderland with some buddies. Not at all what I thought it would be like. It was surprisingly good, but also really cliche. It makes me scared to read the book, because of how bad I would think the movie is afterwards. I've heard it's a really good book, though. Maybe I'll put it on my list.

Ok, I should probably leave you with something good and deep, especially if you made it this far. But first, you should know that I really like this Pandora station. If you don't know what Pandora is, first, slap yourself, then go to pandora.com and be awesomified. I started this station with ffh, then I added Jars of Clay, and JJ Heller. There might be another artist in there, too, but I don't think there is. If you like chill (lots of acoustic, but other stuff, too) Christian music, but also like a little upbeat stuff, too, you'll probably like this station. I think I can send it to you if you want. Anyway, something deep. I had something I wanted to share... Oh yeah! It has to do with this week. This week has been so long, and I probably thought more about punching each day this week than I have this whole semester. One thing that kept me going, and that's helped me a lot this year, is this: everything that has a beginning, has an end. Everything. Well, I mean everything here on earth. This is, obviously, both a good and bad thing. It's good at times like this week. During smokings, or any training we did, sometimes I would just think about how it'll be over, and I'll be looking back on it. Nothing goes on forever. It's also bad, but not just in situations that we enjoy (like Spring Break!!). We only have so much time here. We need to make the most of it, because it'll end, and we'll be looking back on it. Things may or may not be enjoyable now, but we decide what we do with what God's given us. Keep your focus on getting closer to God, furthering His kingdom, encouraging your brothers and sisters in Christ; spend your time here glorifying God, because that's all that matters when it's over. Now, that doesn't mean drop everything and go preach to whoever you can find (unless that's what God's called you to do). See, when you get to heaven, no one is going to care how many push ups you could do, but God can use push ups for His glory. I'm not just trying to justify my being in the Corps, either. Believe me, I don't like it here. You've probably figured that out by now if you've been reading my blogs. But even though I don't like it here, I love my buddies, and every single one of them is an open opportunity, almost beckoning with outstretched arms. They are why I'm here. I'm here for the one who hasn't talked to God since the divorce. I'm here for the one who believes in God, and Jesus, and three other names I can't pronounce. I'm here for the one who can't find God. I'm here for the one who thinks that God is something they teach in Sunday school to keep kids quiet, Jesus was killed because He didn't like Jews, and that Paul is the guy who got eaten by a whale after running from a burning bush. I'm here for the evolutionist, the addict, the Mormon. I'm here for the one who prays three times a day, and sometimes on Sunday. And I'm here for the one who knows God, has Jesus in his heart, and shows His love to everyone he meets. I know I got totally off track with all this, but I hope you've gotten something out of it anyway. If you pray for me, whether occasionally, regularly, or even just once, I thank you. When you pray for me, please pray for my buddies as well, and especially for the example I set for them. They need God's love, and, for some of them, I may be the only example of it that they have. I just hope I'm a good one. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for them. There would be no point. I only have so much time.

bad ending. right track, but it kinda got derailed, and couldn't get back on.

So it’s Thursday afternoon. I’ve basically made it. The last formation I have to go to this week was this morning. I just have to make it through 30 minutes of training time, which can’t be all that bad. I know it will be bad, but, no matter how bad it is, it’s only 30 minutes, 45 at most, and then I leave for class. I eat at Sbisa (maybe), and then, free night out! And even if we aren’t allowed to take a free night out, I’ll just read all through cq, and then bag in tomorrow! And the best part is, we’ve almost completed all of our gc assignments. I just need to print out a copy of my grade summary sheet, write in my grades (which are ok, but not as good as I’d like), and give it to my gc sophomore. One more room needs to be vacuumed, but that’s probably already been done by now, and that’s it. Spence, Kiest, Briggs, Fountain, Gainer, Lacey, Leonard, Harrell, Whiteley, White, Harrington, Utay. I passed off all of my campos, including that one, which was all of the dorms on the quad, and so did all of my gc buddies. They said there would be some kind of reward if we completed all of our assignments by tonight, and it looks like that’s gonna happen. Tomorrow, I go to band, play my bass, and then grab my already packed bag (it’ll be packed by that time) and it’s off to Colorado! Well, home first, Colorado on Saturday. I’m so excited!

I've been thinking recently. It's still a new concept for me, but I'm working on it. One thing I thought about was referring to having someone "standing behind you" when you do something. It's an idiom that means that that person is supporting you in whatever you're doing. But what about God? I don't think He should be behind us, in anything. He walks beside us in the good times, celebrating our happiest moments with us, but in the tough times, I like to think that He walks ahead of us, clearing the way, pulling us through if He has to. It's similar to the Footprints poem, where God was carrying the guy when there was only one set of footprints, except, different, because He's in front of you. I guess. You can't really relate the two, but if you consider them separately, they're very similar concepts. I'm degrading. Losing thoughtfulness. And complexity. Formality. It’s all leaving this post, fast. Oh well. You know, the only pictures of people I’m good at drawing are stick figures. You can always tell who it is in my drawings, though, cuz I’m just that skilled. Labels help a little, too.

tough crowd, tough crowd.

I got a new template layout thing, in case you hadn't noticed. I actually only did it cuz Jaclyn tricked me into/told me to change my old one, but I didn't like any of the other blogger defaults. It was a pain getting this one to work. You should let me know what you think. Which means vote on the poll. There were three votes on the last one, and there are only three on this one as well. I'm beginning to think it might have been the same three people...

Look at me, look at me!

I have to have both hands on my bike to ride it.

Why do I need so much attention? If you know me, you’ve probably gotten annoyed at least once because of me wanting to be the center of attention. Don’t deny it. You know how I know? Because I get annoyed, too! I hate it! The only thing worse than being that annoying guy that won’t stop talking about himself is knowing that you do it! Well, I guess it’s worse to not know, but you don’t get mad at yourself. Ignorance is bliss, you know. Until you get smoked for it… I hate smokings. They say it’s all mental, but, last time I checked, my mind isn’t in my muscles, cuz that’s where it hurts. Sure, it takes a strong mind to get through it, but it still doesn’t take away the hurt, and it doesn’t help you do more push-ups. I need a break. Spring Break needs to hurry up! I guess I could think optimistically, and just think about how I’ve got no more than one and a half training times until then. That’s not including the two morning ones. But one is an outfit run for sure, so I’ll be doing gimp pt. I actually look forward to that, cuz it’s gonna be productive. Kinda like whatever pt I do tonight. I’m gonna do something. Maybe a couple class sets. Ugh, I hate those. We’re gonna be doing a lot, too. They told us that when they tell us to go outside for pt, we just immediately drop and do a class set of push-ups. A class set. Right off the bat, whether we’ve done good or bad (probably bad). A class set is, for our class (class of 2013), 113. 113 push-ups. And that’s just to get started. I’m gonna hate the next couple of weeks. Except for Spring Break.

Anyway, back to me… I hate when I try to grab everyone’s attention, but I don’t even notice sometimes. I guess it’s just a habit, and a bad one at that. When I do notice while I’m doing it, I hate it, and I get so mad at myself. I don’t know what to do, though. I can’t just be like “and then I – oh, wait, never mind..” I mean, I guess I could, but it probably wouldn’t work too well in most conversations. What would you do if someone said that? I would want to know what they were gonna say. Actually, I would probably change the subject to how I did that one time, or something like that.

You know, hate is a really strong word. Abby, I don’t hate you for posting that video on facebook.

I hate the fact that you did it, though…

Anyway, sorry for the little detour, I just thought of that real quick. I’m kinda just venting right now. Don’t take everything that I’m writing down as my real feelings. I don’t know how to adequately describe my feelings right now. I just feel like I need to write. I don’t know what I would do without this blog… Probably not write as much.

So I really enjoyed the gospel sing I got to go to last night. Everything overall went pretty well. For one, I got to go, which was great. My grandparents were also there, which was a huge surprise for me, until I realized that they live really close now. I only found out that day or the day before that they were gonna be there. I say gonna a lot, don’t I? Oh well. I got to see everyone on the cast, and I love all of them. I always forget how much I miss them all until I get to go to one of the sings. And oh, how I miss playing with my band! They didn’t have a bassist at all last night, so I just sang my part along with them, to myself of course, while they played. Melodee said I could play with them next time if I can just practice a little. I really don’t need a whole lot of practice for the songs they were playing, so I’m really hopeful and excited. I also met this guy named John, who goes to church with the Seales. He was pretty cool, but I didn’t get to talk to him much. Hopefully I’ll see him again sometime. I gave Hannah her Baby Ruth bar, too. I wasn’t exactly “saving” it for her, I just forgot about it for long enough that I figured I might as well give it to her. I guess that is saving it for her, though. She deserved it anyway. My grandparents gave me these “kolaches,” which were actually more like danishes, but I ate them for breakfast anyway. I also had kolache later. And a bite of meatloaf for supper. I’m glad we stock snacks in our hole. I hope I get my Scout running this summer.

Before camp would be nice. I would love to take it to camp, just cuz I would love to drive it, but I also wouldn’t have to deal with trading cars, or with my car messing up. Except, the Scout is even more likely to mess up. Oh well. It’s lasted this long, I’m sure it could take a couple more years. I’m really excited about finally getting it running. My dad said that they got it home, and in the garage. That’s pretty awesome. If you haven’t seen our garage, that’s quite a feat, getting a car in there. You know, I don’t think most Americans can fit the right number of cars in their garage. You know, two in a two-car, one in a one-car, etc. I don’t think we ever have… No, wait, yeah, we have. Last summer, when the house was messier than the garage… Wow, it’s kinda crazy, thinking about how we’ve been in that house for more than a year now. It doesn’t seem like that long ago, we were in the “Saddleblanket” house (that’s the street name, and our nickname for that house). That house really wasn’t that great, it just looked cool, and anything was a step up from where we had been.

You know, I don’t think I really get that much stronger from going through hard things. Like, I don’t go “Oh, I’ve done something harder than this before. I’ll be fine.” I’m like “Oh man, this reminds me of [insert bad memory here],” and it makes me hate it even more. I might gain certain skills from it, but overall, I don’t view it as any easier. It’s not like I have a bad attitude on it – do I? – I just don’t enjoy it any more. Or not enjoy it any less.

I really don’t know what I’m getting at with all this. I have so many blog posts, but nothing makes sense. I guess I just need a break. I don’t know. I want to quit, but I can’t. Too many people are looking at me, supporting me, standing behind me. Too many people are proud of me. But I don’t know what I’m doing here. I don’t even know how to do this.

When I signed up for this guidon thing, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Literally, I had absolutely no idea. The only thing I was right about was that it meant I would be trying out for guidon. I wasn’t even right about the pt. It’s going to be so much harder than I thought. And there are so many assignments! It’s like being a bass fish again! I guess I still am, though. But that doesn’t make it any easier. It makes it like a bad memory, like I was talking about before. I still can’t believe last semester was only a few months ago. It seems like it’s been forever since then. Now it’s like a bad dream. I guess everything bad that you go through in the Corps just turns into a bad dream, and then even that fades away. I guess that’s what’s gonna happen with this, too. That doesn’t make it any easier right now, though…

I hope my ankle gets better by next week. I’m going skiing, no matter how much it hurts. Mater is apparently a real word. I messed up matter, but Microsoft Word didn’t correct me. I have an almost full bottle of Vicodin, so I should be good for skiing. Well, I may not even be able to keep my balance then… I can’t wait till Spring Break. It’s so much fun every year. And I didn’t even get to go to Colorado last year, because I was in Florida with the band instead. That was actually good, though, because I sprained my ankle then, too. It was worse than this time, though, and it was the night before we left. I have a week to kinda recover now, and it’s not as bad of a sprain. It’s bad, though, because it’s the same ankle as before. I think it was just coincidence, but it is very possible that it’ll weaken my ankle, and make it more likely to get sprained again in the future. That’s the main reason I’m not gonna run at all this week. My ankle really is hurt, and I don’t think I can run, but the main reason is because, even if it gets to where it doesn’t hurt to run, which is unlikely anyway, my ankle will be weak, and I’m not gonna ruin my spring break by spraining it again even worse right before I go skiing (or don’t go, if it gets hurt like that). I would hate the Corps so much if that happened. I would probably drop out of gc, actually. I don’t want it that much. I already hate it. I don’t need it. Sure, I’m one of only twenty people in the outfit, one of only a hundred in the past twenty years. But I don’t need this. I don’t know if I even want it, either. Everyone I asked about it before I signed up either said “yeah, do it!” or “I can’t answer that for you.” No one said no, or even hinted at it not being a good idea. It seems like everyone wanted me to do it, and the only person who didn’t was me…

Ok, next chapter. Yeah, I think this is my longest blog post so far. I’m writing it in Word, and I’m almost to four pages now. 1,766 words. That’s a lot. That’s like, 7 times the length allowed for a story submission to Matthew West’s thing for that one thing… I just commented on his blog. I’m so cool! Anyway, I submitted a story to Matthew West. It had to do with the Corps. That’s the only thing I talk about anymore. It would be bad if he chose that story, and then went to interview me, and I had punched. I guess that’s motivation for me to stay in. It’s not likely he’ll pick my story, though. I guess I can still hope. Man, what am I doing up at 5 til midnight, when I have to wake up at 6:30 and face a full day of classes? At least I don’t have to wear a uniform this week. I hate having a sprained ankle, I really do, but it’s nice wearing non-regs to class. It’s bad, though, cuz it makes me want to punch… Everything makes me want to punch. Except good bull, I guess. We get to have good bull with all of the gc upperclassmen, including the sophomores. And we get to take details from them. It’s weird, cuz they’re all bad bull during training time and chow and stuff, and then afterwards, it’s all laughing and joking and stuff. Worse than with the basses. We never had good bull in the bass section, except for kind of at midnight yell, and with Mr Thompson. He’s so cool. He’s so much more laid back this semester, too. As if he wasn’t last semester. I think he’s always been really laid back. I just can’t wait until junior year, when I can finally be nice to the fish. I’m gonna disappear during junior week, and just be super nice to them all the time except for then. I’ve already decided that. I’m not even gonna be mean next year. I’ll only be mean when I have to. I hate being mean to people, especially if it’s something I’ve done before. Most people take revenge on people who have been mean to them by passing it on to other people, but I don’t like doing that. It’s stupid. Being mean is stupid. Sure, it motivates people, but it’s stupid. I hate being mean. Hate is a strong word. So is Brussels sprouts. I hate Brussels sprouts. Ok, I’ve gotten 3 ½ pages, over 2 thousand words, and it’s past 12. I really should go. I have to poop. I want to keep writing, though. Something’s wrong, and I don’t know what it is. I want to talk to someone. Just, sit and talk for a while. About anything, just not the Corps. I hate the Corps, and I’m tired of talking about it, thinking about it, living it. It’s only a little more than 3 years till I’m out, though. Only 2 years till I own the place as a senior. Only a year till I’m a whitebelt, and can be nice to the fish. And only a week until Spring Break. I’ll be home less than 96 hours from now. I need a countdown or something. And a counselor. Please pray for me. Seriously.

Go out there and do it!

"...and finally, God, please help me to eat healthier, and exercise more. Amen."

You open your eyes, look around. No change. You feel the same. You stand up, walk into the kitchen, to the refrigerator. You look around inside. Baby carrots, yogurt, brownies, Girl Scout cookies, and a TV dinner. The cookies will do. You're just a little hungry. You sit on the couch. Now, what to do today?...

You see what's wrong here. We all do. Right? It's obvious, isn't it? You asked God to help you fix something you were doing wrong, and then you went and did exactly what you just asked Him to help you fix. Obviously, you need to pray about it more. You need God's help to get past this obstacle. He can help you, He will help you. You just have to ask... Right?

When you ask a friend to help you do something, what generally happens? Let's say you need a leg-up to climb onto something. You ask your friend to help you climb up, and then you use your friend's help to climb up to the ledge. Your friend won't climb up there for you, and probably can't throw you up there, either. You've got to do it. You have help, but it still requires your action.

Easier said than done. Isn't everything? It's so easy to talk about change, to pray for improvement. But when it comes down to it, how does it come about? The builder who prays for God's help, still has to build the building. The runner who prays to God for speed, still has to run the race. The student who prays to God for help on the test, still has to take it. And he still has to study, to train, to plan. God is great, and He is loving, and He wants us to improve, and to do great things. But that's just it. He wants us to do great things. Philippians 4:13 says "I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength" (NLT, emphasis mine), not "Christ can do everything for me." God could go out there and do miraculous things all by Himself, so everyone would see His glory, but instead, He chooses to use us! He wants us to show other people His power, through things that we do with His strength!

Now, doing great things may seem a little off-topic from self improvement, which I started with, but God can use anything, and He can help us do anything. Though people might not walk up to you and say "Wow, you lost weight! God is awesome!" others do notice how you act, how you react to things, treat people, spend your time, your money, etc, etc. And though you may not have a bridge to build, or a test to take, there are always things God can help you with.

Have you ever been to a summer camp that got you all fired up for God? You may have not been very close to Him when you left for camp, but then, while you were there, it was amazing! You felt Him there, you worshiped like you never have before, and you promised to read your Bible, every day. Two weeks later, where are you? Back where you were two weeks before camp, with your Bible, and your heart, gathering dust? Oops... Do you know why those camps don't work? Well, I don't, but I know why we don't change when we come back from them. It's because we come back, and we do what we did before. A change in attitude does nothing without a change in action. I know you've got something you need to do, that God is more than willing to help you with. Now, go out there and do it!

but i falter and i fail, and i need You

Wow, it's really been last Wednesday since I've done a blog post? It seems like I wrote that poem yesterday. But then again, Silver Taps seems like a year ago, but that was just Tuesday. It's been a long week, and I have a feeling that next week won't be any shorter. I hope we don't have training time on Friday. That'll help a lot. I don't know. I guess I'm just more than ready for Spring Break. I know I am. I sprained my ankle this morning doing...pt, but I'm not gonna let it stop me from skiing. I have Vicodin. I don't care how much it hurts. I haven't skied in two years. I'm going. Hopefully, though, my ankle will have healed by then, so it won't be an issue anyway. It really wasn't that bad of a sprain. The doctor called it a "mild grade 1 sprain." It's where the ligaments are just stretched too far. He made it sound like it might be mostly healed within a week, if I stay off of it for that time. RICE. Rest, Ice, Compression, and Elevation. I haven't done any of that yet. I guess I better start soon.

So, I got myself into something really intense. I can't really explain it, but it's something in the Corps that you earn. Only 5 people in each outfit do it. It lets you do something really special. So, only 20 people in our outfit have that privilege, or will have it, once our class gets it. I'll be one of those 20. It's insanely tough, though. One of the seniors said that it was the toughest thing he had ever done in the Corps. The worst part is, it's 90% physical. That's a lot of pt. I'm simply not that strong, so it's gonna be super tough for me. Idk. I've been told that no one who's done it has regretted it. I already regret it. I don't think I will when it's over, though. I hope not. Idk. I'm gonna need lots of strength during the next several weeks, though. And lots of prayer. I'm gonna find out firsthand how God can give you strength. My thoughts are really detached right now. I don't know. I'm pretty bummed about my ankle, especially with it happening today, on the first day of this, but so close to spring break. I'm lost. I don't know what to do about everything, but no one who I can talk to knows, either. I'm not good with figuring stuff like that out on my own. I'm the kind of person who will ask people in the know about what I'm supposed to do. I guess I like being sure of what I'm doing. Whatever. Ok, I don't really feel into this post, so I'm gonna stop now. I need to focus more, or something. I don't know.